August was an east wind
A swarm of locust
Devouring everything
Consuming my spirit, my hope, my focus
I shed tears on your unfulfilled promises
I hid fears out of fear that they would conquer us
I gripped my knees and bit my lip through every sleepless night
I spent mornings on those same knees begging for you to make it right

And when the west wind blew
And this fresh plague was gone
I was left feeling empty, broken, depleted, and drawn

I felt you carry me through August
September rain healed the ground
But my heart didn’t fully break
Until I stopped and  wrote it down

Now, I believe in a God that is bigger than me
Big enough to understand why I’m so angry
Big enough to fix it in His holy season
Big enough to understand that I still need a reason

And if a God that big can deal justly with me
Then a God that big can bear the brunt of my honesty
That even if it’s not the whole, holy truth
That I feel betrayed, abandoned, abused
That even if this desert leads to valleys of peace
That the present desert traveler still longs for release
That the deep-held belief that your plan is good for me
Adds fuel to my confusion and language to my blasphemy

That’s the knee jerk reaction
The human screaming from the core
Now remind me of the simple things
And heal me better than before

You didn’t make that thing happen
I’m not being punished for some fault
You don’t pour vengeance on your children
There’s not a tally in the vault

And while I don’t understand why you let it happen
Because surely there was another way
I’ve sensed immeasurable peace in the suffering
And the night always gives way to the day

And so I pray that your not done with me
That my story doesn’t end in pain
That your faithfulness in my wondering
Draws me close to you again

–August was an east wind–

–I still believe in your goodness–

–Deliver me from Egypt–

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