Psalm 51

This week’s passage is Psalm 51, David’s prayer as he realizes the extent of his mistakes (Bathsheba, Uriah, murder, etc.) I wanted to explore the idea of feeling the full weight of sin while not being crushed by it. The resolve looks at the theme of God being a permanent resident and not someone who can be attained or journeyed towards. As always, this week’s teaching was great and you can hear Tim’s thoughts here. Thanks for stopping by!

Psalm 51

The first mistake was taking off my shoes
The second was stepping in
I invited you here and now I’m not sure how to ask you to leave

I intentionally stepped into the puddle
But it was deeper than I thought
Darker than I thought
Colder than I thought
Older than I thought

A small hand clutched my heel
And sharp teeth bore deep into the soft flesh of my arch

He climbed inside
O dear God he climbed inside
It may have been a second hand invitation
But an invitation none the less
He is me now, and I am it
And I do not know how to ask him to leave

What’s worse is that I’ve done this before
(I’m a bit of a puddle jumper)

I can feel him crawling up my bones
Can you see it?
I can feel him resting in my knee cap
Determining where I walk
When I run
Who I visit and how long I stay
He hates me and I hate it
But it’s nice to not have to make so many decisions

It climbs higher
Nestled in my pelvis
Pushing me to corners and hallways and momentary realities
Can you see it?
Do you hear me?

Digging in deep he edges to my heart
Leaving a trail of dust and grime
He slows my breathing and transforms the things I loathe into the things I love

He splits to occupy both hands at once
He points fingers and creates violence
He sheds blood and touches everything until nothing has value

He leaps into my mouth
It tastes like you would expect
He spews anger and sarcasm and he does it with my voice
My voice
He is me and I am it

He glides into my pupils
It changes the way I see everything 
It’s all puddles
It’s ditches and rain forever

And finally he makes home in my brain
He helps me to justify his existence
He smells of death as I am giving him life
He reminds me that he didn’t get there by accident
That I offered him residence
And encourages me to take a second dip

Can you see me?
Can you hear me?
I feel full to the brim and hollow as a tomb

I remember before
Long before
I remember when you called me good and made it so
I remember the feeling of you moving in
It was different from this

Can you see me?
Can you hear me?
Are you still there?
Do you still have me?

Then dig it out of me
Deep from the inside
If you’re already there
If you truly never left
Clean house

Mend my feet
Align my knees
Replace my heart
Wash my hands
Scrub my mouth
Repair my eyes
And abide in my brain

Because where you are, it can’t be
It’s smaller with the lights on
Its name is simple and plain
There’s actually very little complexity to it
Condensed, ugly, fragile

Thank you for not leaving
I’m sorry I forgot you were here
It’s not a “coming back”
It’s a “coming to”
I’m putting my shoes back on
Lead me away from puddles


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